If you haven’t heard by now (and really, what kind of self-respecting nerd hasn’t?), Disney recently announced their purchase of Lucasfilm, and with it came the news that a Star Wars sequel trilogy is in the works, with Episode VII set to hit screens in 2015.
There followed a ton of speculative articles about said movie, one of the chief questions among them being: who’s going to direct? I’m not going to throw out any more suggestions into that overflowing pot – though the current consensus seems to lie with Brad Bird of The Iron Giant and The Incredibles, and it’s kind of hard to argue with that.
I’m much more interested in who’s writing what would have been one of the most anticipated films of all time, had Phantom Menace not already spoiled things for us. What follows is an entirely speculative list of writers I’d like to see take on an ancient, far-off galaxy for the big screen, and what I think they’d do with the material given free reign.
A neurotic Bib Fortuna (sensitive about his shrinking tentacles) turns up at George Lucas’s house and demands they go on a road trip to secure plans for the Death Star Ride at Disneyworld before a balding, overweight fanfic writer undoes reality from his bedroom by completing a piece of Han/Chewie slash fiction.
Chewie and Han, way over the hill by now, still try to make a living by smuggling cargo to the most putrid, hopeless planets in the galaxy, unaware that people only hire them out of pity. Luke and Leia went on to become huge celebrities, Luke turning to television hosting and Leia with a top spot in government. Needless to say, bad boy Han felt like embarrassing dead weight.
The boys drift across space, getting involved in humiliating sexual farces and eventually Han dies from space-syphilis (he’s blind for most of the movie). Chewie takes this opportunity for a fresh start and opens up a surprisingly successful taco restaurant on one of the asteroids that used to be Alderaan.
Luke and Yoda’s ghost get a few beers in on Dagobah and talk about God, the Force and existentialism for an hour. On the other side of the universe, a teenage girl who’s just shown signs of proficiency with the Force gets stoned with Lando Calrissian, fall asleep and dreams about all the dead Jedi. They talk about exactly the same stuff for another hour.
So those are my thoughts. How likely do you reckon those plots are? And, more seriously, who do you think they’ll actually tap to write the series, given that Lucas has washed his hands of having direct involvement with the screenplay?